What, it's Saturday? When did that happen?
I had my long run today... which was SIXTEEN MILES! Woohoo! A tad sore, toes hurt a little, but nothing too out of the ordinary. No stopping either! Ah.
Lately I havent' been pleased with my body. I don't know why, but I've been looking really big. Before this week, I looked fine but now there's more padding. Is it my mind playing tricks on me? Have I really gotten bigger? I haven't checked my weight, but I don't think I could gain an extreme amount of weight in that little time especially since I haven't been eating that many calories. Have I? Augh, I'd rather not think about it, or at least complain about it to y'all anymore.
On my run today, a thought floated through my mind. I'm stupid. However, I'm not saying that in a belittling way. I suppose a better way to say it would be that I'm ignorant, but somehow stupid feels like it fits.
So I'm nineteen, right? Well, there's a lot about the world that I don't know. There's a lot of academia that I haven't learned, there's a lot of common sense that I haven't learned... There's just a lot that I don't know. Whenever I want to sound smart, or whenever I type something that I think sounds intelligent I instantly become nervous. Do I sound pretentious? Do I sound like a complete idiot? I suppose that it's better to actually throw things out there into the world and test how others react instead of keeping thoughts sealed up from fear of looking foolish. This is kind of along the idea of the thing I was talking about with knowing where the line is. Then again, did I sound like an idiot with the writing in that? Augh.
I hate looking foolish, because I feel sad when I see others looking foolish. I pity them. I don't want people to pity me, I want people to respect me. But with that respect, once again I realize that there's a lot that I don't know. I hate that there's so much I don't know, that's why I'm constantly intrigued by learning new facts and searching for more knowledge in obscure things.
Yes, I'll learn things through time, but that takes... well, you know, time. It's kind of the comparison game. Do I know more than this person my age? I want to show people that I'm intelligent for my age! Wishful thinking? Of course, but that's the basis of being human isn't it? It's a big world out there, but I'm interested in having the world being intrigued by me. I want the world to want me. I want to feel special is the main thing.
My sister has convinced me to come to a coffee shop with her to study, so that's where I sit now. She blames me for taking away from her precious study time, which ticks me off. I told her that I was going on my long run right? I told her that it would take a long time. Long run days usually mean the whole day involves it somehow. What was she doing while I was gone for a little over two and a half hours? Watching movies that she's already watched. Can you see where I think I shouldn't be in the wrong?
Breathe. Let it go, no matter how much it ticks me off that I get blamed for things I shouldn't get in trouble for. Breaaaaaaathe.
What's the best age-based wisdom that you've ever received?