What's My Age Again?

All of my life, I've been looking to the future. What's next after this step? What should I do now to make sure my future works out all right? I constantly try to live in the moment, but the rest of my mind gets caught up in what could be next. With the constant worrying about the future, I think about things like career and how I'm going to take care of myself one day.

My futuristic look isn't only through my life, I tend to connect with those "living in the future" for a lack of a better way to say it. It feels like I've always been drawn to groups older than me. The people I hung out with during this year at school were mostly juniors. I've found more similarities with my sister's friends than people from my grade. That tends to be kind of the case online as well.

It seems that much of the blogging world consists of females who are in the last years of college or older. In many of the blogs that I read, people are getting married, buying their first homes, getting real jobs, all that jazz. When reading about that type of stuff, I start to think about how far behind I must be. Then I realize: Hell, I'm only 19! I've got a lot of time to do stuff like that. It just feels like I should be getting it done now, you know?

That's just the thing. I'm still a kid. I still refer to my parent's house as my house. I still have a messy room. I'm still fairly young despite how crotchety I may act sometimes.

And sure, it's great to think about the future, but I know I gotta loosen up a little! Take the plunge on random experiences. It's all about once again living a happy medium.

Well that's my recent epiphany. Just had to get that out of my head. Other than that, I'm going hiking tomorrow morning. I don't really hike. We'll see how that turns out!

Do you ever had trouble acting your age?

Let's Put Things Into Perspective...

The universe sure has an interesting way with timing.

I'm not going to talk about what happened today in my life, but all I can say is that I am blessed. I know that lately, I've been kind of whiny over here in the blog world, and I definitely want to slap myself every time I realize that because honestly? I have gotten incredible opportunities and chances in my life. The reason behind saying the universe has interesting timing has to do with a couple of factors. The first one came yesterday when I read a quote in Reader's Digest (Just another example of how I'm actually an old person in disguise.) The quote was:
"If I don't ask 'Why me?' after my victories, I cannot ask 'Why me?' after my setbacks and disasters."

Of course when I read that, I was in the complete opposite mindset, but I remembered it later today. It's easy to ask "Why me?" when something bad happens, but "Why me?" does fit when you end up in a lucky situation.

The second part of the universe's bitchslap back into reality came right before I started my post tonight. Reading over some of the posts in my blogroll, I saw this post from Gingersnaps. If you read the whole thing, it's pretty much what I'm trying to convey right now... well, except the raw milk situation. Mainly the section that starts off saying "I'm really lucky". (Written much more eloquently than I could write. Geez, is eloquently even a word?)

Anywho. I know I'm lucky, and I know that I want to do something with my life. I know there are people out there who are as lucky as I am, yet would be happy asking for money for the rest of their lives, be lazy, or complain about everything that isn't tip top. You can find many of these people here.
For me, I want to be able to do everything that I'm capable of doing. I have working legs? Why not train for a marathon! I'm able to go to college? Why not strive for good grades so I'm able to have more opportunities?

Yeah, sometimes it's good to get a slap in the face from the universe because let's face it, you really don't want to be this person:

This... This just makes me nauseous.

People usually look at how they're blessed on holidays and such, but it's probably a good idea to think about it every once in awhile.

How is your life lucky or blessed?

Long Runs, Age, and Wisdom

What, it's Saturday? When did that happen?

I had my long run today... which was SIXTEEN MILES! Woohoo! A tad sore, toes hurt a little, but nothing too out of the ordinary. No stopping either! Ah.

Lately I havent' been pleased with my body. I don't know why, but I've been looking really big. Before this week, I looked fine but now there's more padding. Is it my mind playing tricks on me? Have I really gotten bigger? I haven't checked my weight, but I don't think I could gain an extreme amount of weight in that little time especially since I haven't been eating that many calories. Have I? Augh, I'd rather not think about it, or at least complain about it to y'all anymore.

On my run today, a thought floated through my mind. I'm stupid. However, I'm not saying that in a belittling way. I suppose a better way to say it would be that I'm ignorant, but somehow stupid feels like it fits.
So I'm nineteen, right? Well, there's a lot about the world that I don't know. There's a lot of academia that I haven't learned, there's a lot of common sense that I haven't learned... There's just a lot that I don't know. Whenever I want to sound smart, or whenever I type something that I think sounds intelligent I instantly become nervous. Do I sound pretentious? Do I sound like a complete idiot? I suppose that it's better to actually throw things out there into the world and test how others react instead of keeping thoughts sealed up from fear of looking foolish. This is kind of along the idea of the thing I was talking about with knowing where the line is. Then again, did I sound like an idiot with the writing in that? Augh.

I hate looking foolish, because I feel sad when I see others looking foolish. I pity them. I don't want people to pity me, I want people to respect me. But with that respect, once again I realize that there's a lot that I don't know. I hate that there's so much I don't know, that's why I'm constantly intrigued by learning new facts and searching for more knowledge in obscure things.

Yes, I'll learn things through time, but that takes... well, you know, time. It's kind of the comparison game. Do I know more than this person my age? I want to show people that I'm intelligent for my age! Wishful thinking? Of course, but that's the basis of being human isn't it? It's a big world out there, but I'm interested in having the world being intrigued by me. I want the world to want me. I want to feel special is the main thing.

My sister has convinced me to come to a coffee shop with her to study, so that's where I sit now. She blames me for taking away from her precious study time, which ticks me off. I told her that I was going on my long run right? I told her that it would take a long time. Long run days usually mean the whole day involves it somehow. What was she doing while I was gone for a little over two and a half hours? Watching movies that she's already watched. Can you see where I think I shouldn't be in the wrong?
Breathe. Let it go, no matter how much it ticks me off that I get blamed for things I shouldn't get in trouble for. Breaaaaaaathe.

What's the best age-based wisdom that you've ever received?

There's a Fine Line Between...

There's a fine line between            and             .

You could fill those spaces with just about anything. Here's just a few:

There's a fine line between doing things for yourself because you should and doing things for yourself because you're selfish.
There's a fine line between a little indulgence and being a pig.
There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and being overly sensitive.

I've heard this type of phrase everywhere, and I'm almost positive that all of you out there have heard of it as well. This goes along with the idea of doing everything in moderation, but it's still a hard concept to figure out. No one knows what that line is. It's a vague goal that everyone strives for, yet not necessarily given a standard of what that is. Basically, it's like someone comes up to you and says, "I want you to find a ball. Not just any ball, but a specific one. It has no distinct markings on it, and no one knows where it is located. All we know is that it's red. Good luck!"

Yeah, I know that all of those "fine line" situations aren't that ridiculous, but some of them certainly feel like it.
It would be nice to simply know the answer to where the line lays. Sure, we get help with this from experience and the people around us.  That's the whole, "It's the journey, not the destination," talk. Makes sense, but... pish.

I suppose really the main thing I have to say is that life is weird. Like we didn't already know that. The main reason I've been thinking about things like this is because lately I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Am I living it right? Should I be doing things differently? Am I         ? Yeah, you know the drill.

Other than that, just another day of class and such. Now time to figure out how I'm going to fit a seven mile run in tomorrow, because it's going to be like Tuesday.

What's the most ridiculous "There's a fine line between..." phrase you've ever heard?

Having Time To Do All of The Nothing You Want

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. It's finals week. Strangely enough, it doesn't really feel like it due to the fact that I don't have any finals until Wednesday. Therefore, it's pretty much been a long weekend for me. The feeling I'm getting is that it's summer break, or any of the vacation breaks. I still have to think about. School? What are you talking about? There's nothing else to study!

I know that I didn't write about a thing I learned from a fictional character, and today I'm almost copying something that I'd written before. However, it's in a different context this time I believe, and it fits with thoughts from today.

Getting ready to travel back to the dorms from home once again, I decided to mosey on out to the porch in the backyard. I laid out on a chair, reading a magazine at first, but ended up simply laying there. The leaves in the trees and the wind worked together to create a tune, birds happily flew around. I let myself think about anything I wanted to think about, without the influence of anything like a computer. It was fantastic.

 This brings me to an idea brought about by a certain comic character named Calvin. I've mentioned this line before, as I've said.

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."

I'm not sure I really got it right when I first thought about it. Sometimes doing nothing feels good. But another thing that this line makes me think of is time in general. I'm pretty sure most people start to get thoughts like, "Oh, I'll start that project when I have time next weekend", or "I'm totally going to start eating healthier when the summer starts." I don't think there's a soul out there who is not guilty of this. Hell, I've done it plenty of times. Sometimes it's procrastination... Actually, it's mostly procrastination. We always thing we have more time to finish a paper, to plan an event, to prepare a speech, to do nothing. Of course, it's never as long as we'd like. Did you know it's been scientifically proven that as we age, time seems to speed up. So when your parents say something feels like it just happened yesterday, it's a lot different from when you think it felt just like yesterday. Why summers felt so long when you were a kid? That exact reason.

The main idea that I think this line is saying is this: Time flies, and you're always going to want more of it to do what you want. With that, it makes sense that the idea of living every moment to the fullest is a good idea.

I know I don't use every moment of my life as well as I should. I know I waste time, participate in mediocre activities instead of incredible ones. Still, it's good to just spend a little bit of time doing nothing.

With my thoughts outside during my nothingness time, I thought about typewriters too. I wish I was one of those wise, witty writers that would sit outside and write their great next story. Besides being a super amazing writer, I just think having a typewriter would be cool. Don't get me wrong, I love my computer but computers have the Internet. The Internet is so distracting! I know, you might say "What about pen and paper?", but there's just something about typing that sometimes feels so much more fulfilling.

What type of "nothing" time do you wish you had more of?

Life, Death, and Accomplishments

Today was my long run day. Whenever I go for long runs, I like to think about a lot of different topics. The main topics in question today were about life, death, and accomplishments.

What brought on the thoughts about life and death, you may ask? Well, because of the ability to view things instantly on Netflicks, I've recently started to watch the show Dexter. Which it turns out, is very addicting. The funny thing about shows like Dexter are that it's not the characters so much that freak me out, but the writers. I mean, they think up all of these ideas for killers, disposing of the body, horrifying death techniques... What a thing to be able to conjure up in your mind. I think they're all pretty brilliant, but it's terrifying that they can come up with so many of these horrendous situations. I digress.

I wouldn't say that I'm scared of death. What freaks me out is the unknown of after death. There are so many theories, beliefs and ideas of what happens after death, it's hard to sort them all out. Being raised with some spiritual views, I'd like to believe that there really is an afterlife, a positive settings. However at the same time, my mind thrives on facts. I don't like going with one idea unless I know that it's the correct answer 100%. This is the same reason that on tests I'm so bad at going back and forth between answers.
Still, I think there's another part of death that worries me as well. It's the not knowing when it's going to happen. If I were given the option of finding out when I was going to die, I wouldn't take that offer, but it's still scary not knowing when it's going to happen. People want to be about to achieve as much as possible before they die, and I'm no exception. I think that's why I crave getting things done so quickly, it's because I want to have time to do the next thing. If I get done with school faster, it'll give me more time to do other things in my life.
I know they say to live in the moment, but I'm always looking towards the future. It's really not that great of a habit, because sooner than later I'm going to be looking at the past thinking, "What happened then?" I think the only time I really live in the moment is when I'm going for runs, and even then I sometimes think of things in the future. For the most part though, running is my living in the moment. I just don't realize it until I start.

So, yeah. That's what's was on my mind for today's run. Hopefully I didn't scare all of you off. Other than that... Been unproductive.

What are your opinions on life and death?

Old Lady Sleeping Habits and Figuring Out Time

People, I have got to say something.

I am probably the most old-lady version of a college student.
You know how the other day I don't function well without sleep? Well, I've been making sure I've been in that state of spaciness for a few days.
Staying up late, waking up early... Probably not the best idea. Eh, tonight will end up being an early one.

Time is a strange thing. Earlier today the room mate and I were talking about how shocking it is that it's already almost the end of the winter term. It's already March! Some of our other hall mates commented how this term seemed to go on a lot longer than the fall term, but we both thought the complete opposite. Why is it that time tends to feel different for everyone despite the fact that we all receive time in the same increments?
Well, they weren't freshmen either. Does that add into the equation of time passing by quickly? It could. I mean, we've been experiencing so many different situations in this year,

Another thing that has been passing through my mind is how time works with plans. Sometimes we are giving more time than we know what do to with, but then there are the times where everything gets piled up, and there was no time to get it done earlier.

As much as I'd like to have life to be perfectly organized, I know that there's no way that can happen. I can't control time. I can't control other people. One must simply go with the flow of life.

Welp, those are my thoughts for the day. Therefore, let Dead week begin!

The Feelings of Winning and Losing

There I sat, staring at my hands in front of me. Two of my fingertips throbbing, I couldn't concentrate because they reminded me of what had happened before. After what seemed to be a day of pure winning, I was overcome with the sense of failure.

Before I continue into what appears to be an odd attempt at writing with wit, let's observe why the day had started out with the extreme feeling of success.

I love it when teachers adore me. I believe it's because I have this slightly twisted idea that somehow, I've won. To explain it, it's almost as if it's a game to do well in a class. One of the objectives in achieving this goal includes having the teacher like you. If they like you, they're more likely to give you a good grade. Perhaps this isn't the best mindset to have, but I can't help it! The reason I mention all of this is because my History professor adores me. I'm pretty sure she wants me to go into history. I can't help but feel cocky!

The other shining light in my day came in my Spanish class next, when I got my Examen 8 back. There was a lovely little A at the top of the test. Basically, the day felt like an incredible win.

Why the feeling of failure then? It all started when I decided that I was going to donate blood. Of course, donating blood would make you feel pretty great, right? I would have too... If I was allowed to. You see, apparently my iron levels were too low.
I couldn't believe it. The last two times I've donated, they told me I had an excellent amount of iron. Alas, that was not the case today. They pricked two of my fingers, just to make sure. Yes, please repeat my least favorite part of the donating process twice, thank you. I like having bruises on my fingertips.

I staggered away from the donation site, overcome with a feeling of utter failure. What had I done wrong? I ate red meat. I ate a healthy diet. That brings us back to where we were at the beginning of this post. I was even provided with a note explaining why I still had the normal amount of blood in my veins. The letter was like a note from the principal explaining that I wasn't being a good student. It mocked me.

Now that I've had time to register my thoughts, I realize it's not so bad. We have our wins and our losses, and today was definitely a sign of that. Still, I have to wonder why my iron was low. I've lost some weight since I last donated, though it hasn't felt like it. I haven't taken multivitamins in awhile either. I just hate that feeling.

Life is life. I need to stop worrying about it and move on. I've got a lot of things to think about, but not being able to donate blood isn't one of them. (Although, I should probably watch out.)

Night to you all! Let's all have a wonderful tomorrow!

Do you usually have good days and bad days, or is everyday a mix of good and bad?

Running Late, Feeling Off About School and Other Things

Ugh. Today has been one off-kilter day for sure. Just one thing can do that to you, can't it?

I have had 8:00 am classes almost every day since the beginning of the school year. Today, I woke up for the first time late. Yeah. I managed to get to class only a minute or two late, but it still was late. And of course it was one of those classes where participation counts as attendance. Of course. Just did not put my head in a good place for the rest of the day, you know?

I'm not sure how I've been feeling about my school lately. Yes, I do happen to mention that quite a bit, but my distaste for this school is growing and growing. The thing is, it's not the classes that are bothering me. The area is beginning to bore me. I don't connect with people here. There's no excitement! I suppose that could be said for everywhere, and everywhere is going to become boring after awhile. But this town literally is boring. As for the people, I feel like I don't have things in common with anyone here. Others go to bible studies, it's not what I'm interested in. The only other issue with this school happens to be my major, which I don't think any of the field here are really what I'm interested in. Plus, that's a bit bigger than social life.

On a strange positive note, lately I've been feeling really pretty. Despite feeling the lack of people wishing to be social, I've been feeling like I look pretty. Even in blah clothing. This is kind of big for me, because I feel like my face looks weird a lot. Yes, my mom says I'm pretty, but sometimes it doesn't do it for ya. But yeah. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not at my skinniest I've been, but I feel prettier. That's kind of a nice feeling.

I think my room mate just likes to push my buttons. She posted a clipping from the front of The Oregonian with a picture with the heading Aw, Burned. She does realize I like the ducks, right? Yes, I know she's probably a beaver, but c'mon. It's your state. Then again, she's also got a giant poster of this hanging on the wall:


Yes, this is lil Wayne. He stares at me in my bed. Do not appreciate.

 This is a recent thing that has been put on the wall. Yet, I still dislike the newspaper clipping more. Huh.

I apologize for the seriously long and negitive post! I try to stay positive, but today I just wasn't in that mode. I'll try to be happier tomorrow! Like I said, a long off-kilter day.

What was the last time you were late?

Interview with a Professor and Lack of Motivation

It's one of those weeks where it feels like it's gonna take forever, even though I know the weekend will sneak up on me. I wish it was sooner anyways.

I had a meeting with one of my professors today. Originally, I made the meeting so I could interview her for a project for FYE, but I also talked to her about my thesis. Talking to her ended up being a great thing, because she made me feel less guilty about not knowing what I want to do with my life yet. One of my interview questions had to do with what advice you would give a college student, and she mentioned this:
"You know, during graduation there's way too much pressure on students to automatically decide what they want with their life, with all of the asking of, 'What's your major?'. You should just explore everything, see college like a smorgasbord and try a little of everything."
This is exactly how I've been feeling as of late. It was nice hearing someone else thinks that way too.

The trip up to Seattle the other day made me realize that I really would enjoy a career that involves a lot of travel. I understand the downsides of not having a permanent spot, always being away from loved ones. It would stink since everyone needs people to be close to and family. However, I know that I would love it, and going through the process of traveling doesn't bother me. As I've gotten older, I've begun to crave new experiences like crazy, finding new worlds and such. I'll think about it.

Oh, today I was not feeling the running. I was thinking, "I don't want to do this, I don't want to!" But the other part of my brain was telling me, "You need to do this! You've signed up for that half marathon in January, and you need to train for it. No buts." And I did. And, as usual, I felt fantastic that I had run afterwards. I was super dehydrated, and had too much snot in my head, but I got it done. 4 miles in 40 minutes? Ten minute miles is good with me when at first I didn't even want to do it!
I didn't really think about this before, but the race says that you aren't allowed to have mp3 players during the run. This means I better start doing some runs without my trusty ipod... Truthfully, I run faster without music, but the run feels a lot longer. Better get over that! My Thursday run I'll run without it.

My aunt and grandma asked to take me out to lunch tomorrow. Don't know why, but it doesn't matter! She is one of my favorite aunts, and I adore my grandma.
I got my first follower today! But you probably already knew that, ha.
Birthday this Friday! Get excited.

What motivates you? What drives you?