Learning How to Grow Up?

I've got be honest. I haven't gotten a good chunk of solid sleep in about a week. I've woken up at least once during the middle of the night every night for awhile now, and it's not just a wink and back to sleep. It's like get up, bathroom, lay there for awhile and take a bit to go back to sleep. My mom says it's my body trying to get sick again. Good lord, I've been sick for two weeks, I don't need it longer than that. Last night was the worst, including waking up around 4 and not getting back to sleep until about 8:30. Ridiculous. I thought I'd put that out there for the fact that I might seem to be a tad unstable.

After contemplating my birthday, I realized what my problem was. I realized that as you get older... birthday just don't really mean that much. That's a part of growing up. Maybe the reason that I had so much trouble with this is that perhaps I don't want to grow up. Despite acting like I'm a forty year old women who works in an office, I still want to be a kid. I feel old for saying this, but I can't believe how much time I spent as a kid wishing I was older. Why didn't I just live as a kid, and be happy about it?

That's right, no one does. Everyone looks to the future, looking for the exciting things that could be. The freedom, the ability to have a job, the cool things that adults get to do. Why would you ever want to live with bossy parents telling you what to do all of your life?

Who knows, maybe I am growing up.

I think the other thing that's been freaking me out about growing up is doing things I dreaded falling into. What I mean starts with a busy week, or busy chunk of schedule. After spending a lot of time trying to get things done, your body starts getting tired, right? So, once you're able to take a break, you want to take a BREAK. That doesn't mean doing the things you wanted to get done in your free time, no. That means becoming a zoned out zombie and wasting big parts of your evenings/free spaces/whatever. I didn't want to become that, but I know I've fallen into times where I'll get some free time and I'll simply space out to whatever things I can find surfing the Internet. I won't get my room cleaned like I told myself, or I won't read that article that looked interesting. I'll just devour whatever will waste my time, which will just end up spilling out of my head in an hour anyways.

It's just another case of just working at it. That's weird, trying to work to function normally? Yeah. Trying to force myself to live in the moment. I've gotten a lot better at this, but it's still really hard for me. Also working at not becoming the god-awful zombie. I've got to write these mantras somewhere or something.

I was really hoping that I could get to bed early tonight, but that's obviously not happening. Which means I can't take NyQuil to try and help me sleep, because it'll be too late. Which just pisses myself off more, but what can I do? I didn't have a lot of time to do this assignment that I've been working on before, and... guh, I can't even deal with this shit right now. Remember how I mentioned how I'm having a little bit of a difficulty staying stable? Yeah, you can see that coming out right now. I'd better get my assignment printed... I hate not having a printed at home that works.

What mantras do you work at following?